Five days into 2014

A little late, but I guess it’s as good a time as any to wrap up the previous year. Looking back, 2013 has had it’s ups and downs. But even if i were to try to weigh one against the other I don’t think I would be able to… my memory, as always, isn’t stellar.

2013 had been a year of firsts. Lots of them, though not my first heartbreak. I finally understand what is meant by a ‘whirlwind romance’. A year where I’d loved and lost, then tried to love again, and still lost. I’m not surprised, my love life thus far had been nothing but rocky and predictably bad. Not that anyone is to blame except me, I guess. I had the opportunity but I never grabbed hold of them. One can only make overtures that many times before he gets tired of it, no?

Regrets. If I had regrets for the year, it’s how things had ended on a fade out between us. Drifting apart is the worst way to end a relationship, I realized that now. It had happened the last time too, and now again. I guess I just never learn.

I guess our bet’s off now, huh?

What wreck me the most are all the could-have-beens.

I’m not big on making resolutions. I end up forgetting them most of the time. So I’ll see this as a challenge rather than a promise – I’ll stop being a coward. Stop taking three steps back every time someone takes a step forward.

I’ll stop thinking so much and just go with the flow.

Here’s to a better 2014.

 

 

 

I’m normally not so maudlin. I blame it on Block B and 넌 어디에.

Tagged , , ,

Sixteen days to Christmas, and I see no way out of my quarter life crisis.

I’ve skipped a couple of all changes since October – the one in October was getting a new job, in a new field, with new people I’ve never met. November was hectic, with work and then my week in Sydney for graduation, that I didn’t have time to sit down and properly think about it. And then it’s a week and a half into December. How time flies.  Continue reading

Tagged , ,

3, 三, Three

It’s month three of my post-graduation vacation slash unemployment, and I’m getting increasingly restless. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , ,

This is Malaysia

It’s the first day of the Malay new year. Selamat Hari Raya to all my Malay friends.

It was supposed to be a happy occasion. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , ,

My quarter-life crisis

When I was still in high school, this guy who was my deskmate said to me, “You’ve been to a few countries, haven’t you? That’s amazing, I wish I could do that too.”

At the time, I’d smiled and nodded. I hadn’t really been to many countries, but somehow he’d assumed it and taken it as fact, and I didn’t really want to correct him. Continue reading

I will probably regret this in the morning

The good ol’ drive-by. The one thing I was told I had to do at least once when I’m still young enough. The thing I never felt like I would do because I had standards. Well, I did it tonight.

Picture this: a crowded dance floor, the buzz of alcohol, leery men all round and enthusiastic albeit drunk girls. Granted, one of them had been his sister, but who knew how far the truth had been stretched.

He was sweet and looked like a boy I once loved. Whom I still probably love. All thoughts of B flew out of my mind, all I could think of was him. They shared origins. How could I have not been swept up by his charm?

It was a drive-by. You go up, do it, and pull away. Then you forget about it, no muss, no fuss. I knew it, he knew it, his sister, who had been busy taking pictures of us knew it. And you just know those pictures are going to end up on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram or Somewhere.

I’m not sorry I did it. But already I regret.

 

I am a terrible human being

You know that feeling when you realize that you’re something, someone, you never thought you were or could ever be? I felt that tonight.

I am racist. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , ,

All Change

One of my best friends for the past decade of our lives is currently on a plane, crossing time zones and country borders as she travels from Singapore to New York. Despite knowing that she had some twenty-odd hours of recycled air and uncomfortable airplane seats in front of her, it hadn’t stopped me from sobbing at her over the phone for nearly an hour while she juggled luggage, rogue trolleys, and phone, all while offering words of comfort. The mark of a true friend – no judgment even though you’ve pretty much been the biggest idiot the world over, and a trans-Indian Ocean phone call when you’re most in need.

I finally saw you again last night.

Continue reading

Tagged , , ,

The Art of Being Alone

Yesterday was Good Friday, and true to weekend form, I had something or other lined up for the night. On the agenda last night was a quiet dinner with old friends at a nice, homey little Italian restaurant in a corner of Newtown. In the jolly presence of good natured banter and huge helpings of comfort food – the cannelloni with spinach and ricotta I stuffed my face with was so good I couldn’t have cared less that it was probably bringing back all the weight I had lost intermittently throughout the past month with a vengeance – it had been easy to forget the near-constant heartache that had been following me around for the past three weeks or so. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,